Avoidance: An Obstacle to Connection

You wouldn’t ignore a check engine light on your car’s dashboard.

Or maybe you would, if it wasn’t blinking yet..

While your car seems to be running just fine or at least still managing to get you where you need to be, it is tempting to keep driving and tell yourself you’ll get repairs someday.. when it's more convenient.. when you are less overwhelmed...

It may even be a non-urgent simple and easy fix after all.. but because everything is connected and the engine functions based on proper timing of the movement of its various parts, ignoring small issues could cause a catastrophic failure down the road.

Not to mention the constant low grade anxiety you experience seeing the light causes you every time you look at it..

But what if the engine was a relationship with someone important in your life?

What if  things like:

increasing distance, compulsive white lies, secret addictions or thoughts and feelings left unexpressed, Or a general feeling of unease, a lack of trust or dread,

were your check engine light?

An alert for which connections in your life need attention?

Like smooth running engines, great relationships take plenty of TLC and ongoing assessment + when needed, repair.

If you choose to avoid problems by ignoring them or stuffing the truth,  they fester and grow bigger and messier, making them even more difficult to face and communicate about, often leading to a larger confrontation down the road..

and not just that..

Sometimes consistent small problems can lead to tragic irreparable damage to the relationship that leads to a grievous loss of something precious turned toxic..

Avoidance over time takes its emotional toll.

Loss of trust.. Distance.. 

Loss of connection and intimacy… 

Numbness.. 

You find yourself in a death state. 

Alive, but not living. 

A feeling of alienation, loneliness, hopelessness and despair..  

Which leads to more withdrawal and avoidance.

A tragic, vicious cycle that can remain unconscious for many years.

But back to the engine for a moment..

One thing is clear:

You know you really shouldn’t avoid that pesky check engine light. You know that the best thing to do would be to face it head on. 

Accept and acknowledge its presence.  Take a look.

Choose a course of reparative action. 

Sounds simple enough…

A no brainer..

Yet many of us still struggle with taking care of this sort of thing in an assertive and timely manner before the problem becomes urgent.

If only relationship repairs were as straightforward as engine repairs..

Life is complicated and throws plenty of curve balls our way.  There were reasons. Situations beyond our control and/or understanding at the time they were happening perhaps.

But still why might we choose, against our better judgment, to not face our issues head on?

Maybe it’s too painful to admit, even to yourself, what a fool/how shortsighted you’ve been in not addressing the problem sooner. Maybe you can’t bear to ask for help now that you are in over your head.

But what if that’s not the full story?  

What if the reason you avoid is really about something deeper? 

Fear of not having the right answers and making things worse perhaps. 

Maybe you feel unable to face the overwhelming sense of responsibility you feel to fix the problem.

Or maybe you worry it's too late. So it feels safer (less vulnerable) to be cynical about the situation than show any hope, desire and movement towards fixing it.

A feeling of helplessness that quickly gives way to feelings of inadequacy and paralyzing shame.

Turning towards it may feel counterintuitive, at least at first.

But this is exactly how you begin taking the lead in repairing what needs to be addressed.

After all, it’s only in opening up the hood of the car that you can see what is really going on.

But why would you even bother in the first place?

Interpersonal relationships spark aliveness. 

That aliveness can be scary sometimes.

There is a risk. 

But connection is something vital to the human experience. Something you know you don’t want to miss out on no matter the challenge.

Consider for a moment that

The benefits that will come from

·         Decidedly facing what you’ve been avoiding,

·         Accepting your need and desire for connection,

·         Conquering your fear of the potential repercussions of leaning into this attempt for true connection

 might far outweigh >>>

the cost of doing nothing, remaining silent, avoidant and close minded.

Direct confrontation can feel intimidating, but courage, honesty and engaging in compassionate conflict allows the chance for a change in the trajectory. 

We have more than just hope for a better future in regards to our relationships.

We have agency. 

And that's a wonderful thing.

We can’t change the past but we can learn from it and affect the future.

We can’t chase away the dark but as long as we are here, it's never too late to try to let in cracks of the light. 

But first lean in

with honesty, curiosity, compassion

in a low stakes environment.

So just you and you.

Have a chat.

If you notice that you have this habit of avoiding leaning into relationships,                                              ask yourself the following questions.

a.    What ‘check engine’ signs have you experienced in your relationships? Who are these relationships with? For example, maybe you noticed a habit of withholding what you truly thought or honestly felt from your partner. Maybe you find yourself ‘walking on eggshells’ around certain people in your life.

b.     What conditions or experiences may have produced your tendency to avoid facing them?  For example, maybe you learned early on that conflict never leads anywhere good so it's best to not add any negative tension of your own on top of the existing family tensions. Maybe every attempt to express honesty, rectify and reconcile relationships and situations seemed only to make things worse, further dissuading you from future attempts.

What may be the root for you?

c.     What does your habit of avoidance take care of?  Why might it ‘make sense’ for you to continue avoiding the problem? For example maybe avoiding problems safeguarded you against rejection and deep disappointment in relationships and offered you a sense of peace, stability and security. Maybe not getting involved at all was less painful. 

Maybe avoiding the problem seems like the only way to safeguard the peace in the short term.

Maybe it gives you the opportunity to observe others' behavior from a safe distance and have a less emotionally flooded approach to practical problem solving.

 d. What is the long-term result of avoiding addressing them? What is your habit of avoidance costing you? How does it limit you?

For example maybe it costs you connection, intimacy, the possibility/capacity for a deep loving relationship.

Maybe in your effort to make peace you tended to never resolve conflicts well with your partner which created distance in the relationship.

You might be afraid; but you are not inadequate. 

You’ve done so many courageously hard things in your life so far. 

You have the courage to face this too.

Connecting to what you most care about in facing this, the result you are after (rebuilding trust, reestablishing connection) can be a source of strength and motivation.

But we all know motivation doesn’t last. It isn’t something you can’t rely on every day.

Shifting from 

Habitual Avoidance—>Consistent Engagement

Building that self awareness takes time and it takes reps (practice)

It is the steady, repeated action of water over time that can wear even the hardest rock to a smooth surface.

So you need to build a structure that will hold your commitment to this thing that's very important to you.

So what do you need to safeguard your commitment to making a shift? 

What course of action will you take? 

For example, maybe you need to identify low stakes environments where you begin practicing engagement in the moments you most want to lean out, building muscle memory for higher stakes down the road.

Maybe continued exploration and commitment to forward moving action in the forms of carving out self reflection time in your calendar, involving friends, support groups or even working with a coaching professional or therapist would work as accountability structures for you. 

How will you choose to set yourself up for success?

Sometimes love is the willingness to fix something you might feel is broken instead of just throwing it away. 

Invest in relationships when they are difficult because some things are worth fixing.

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