The Victim & The Judge - an ongoing mental/emotional/physical dance
Only it doesn’t look so much like a dance as much as it looks like a maddening, brutal soul crushing fight for a lot of us. A fight with just enough miniature breaks to keep it going forever!
They represent qualities in us that are unhealed. Qualities that cause us to lose precious energy and tear ourselves down/self-destruct/sabotage…
The judge who tends to punish, compare, and look for faults, and the victim who feels overwhelmed, confused, defeated, scared and like it's just not fair…
Left unchecked they both lead us down this powerless path where we risk forgetting how much agency we actually have.
The truth is we are always at choice. And that is such a gift!
Often, we find the victim's energy distasteful, and the judge downright brutal, but the encouraging thing is that they both have healed, more mature versions and it's up to us to choose to develop them.
The judge can be shifted into discernment,
The victim can be shifted into honest vulnerability.
Judgment and victimhood close the mind, heart, and body. Discernment and honest vulnerability allow these 3 centers, each characterized by their own intelligence, wisdom, felt sense and knowing, to stay open, but protected with clear boundaries.
This foster connectivity with yourself which extends outward into your relationships with others allowing you to authentically connect and serve at a higher level.
My invitation:
Don’t try to stop the dance. It's impossible. Instead lean into it.
Get to know each dance partner's story, strengths and liabilities with fierce honesty and equally as fierce compassion.
Do you find yourself falling into either the judge or the victim? Reflect on these two characters by journaling on these questions:
Inner Judge:
a) How do you know when your inner judge is present? What are the thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations that clue you into their presence? When do they show up strongly?
For example, you might notice that the judge shows up strongly when your partner questions your competency and you withdraw or get aggressive. This could manifest as tension in your neck or a tight jaw. The judge might even continue accompanying you as you beat yourself up about the situation.
b) What conditions or experiences might have produced and strengthened them in your lifetime?
For example, you might act judge-like because growing up, your father had high expectations of you and pushed you to be perfect - shaming you when you inevitably failed or made a mistake.
c) How does your inner judge protect you? Or how did it in your past? For example, being hard on yourself might have ensured no one else would be harder on you. In that way, being a judge (to self + others) might protect you from emotional pain.
d) What are their costs of allowing the judge to have free-range? How does it limit you? For example, consistent judge-like behavior could cost a relationship with someone you love.
e) What are the gifts?
For example: While judge energy can be destructive and cause much anxiety, distress and suffering - when used productively it can provide you greater discernment to judge what is and is not for you and because of that serve as a red flag warning you when your values are being crossed.
Inner victim:
a) How do you know when my inner victim is present? What are the thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations that clue you into their presence? When do they show up strongly?
For example, you might notice that the victim is present when you turn to a beer in the fridge as a solution to the negative emotion or situation you might be facing at the moment. Or when you dwell on negative current affairs that validate your cynical, pessimistic, defeatist attitude.
It could manifest as emotions of sadness or anger. You could feel physically fatigued and defeated.
b) What conditions or experiences might have produced and strengthened them in your lifetime?
For example, growing up you may have felt like the only way to get attention and love was if others felt sorry for you. Or maybe you felt like an outsider at school that no one understood and found solace in being comforted at home or the other way around.
c) How does your inner victim protect you? Or how did it in your past? For example, maybe it helped relieve you of the responsibility of facing your fears since ‘they weren’t your fault’ and ‘there is nothing you could do about them anyway’.
d) What are their costs of allowing the victim to have free-range? How does it limit me? For example, consistent victim behavior might backfire by pushing people away as they may start to feel frustrated, helpless, or guilty that they can’t put more than a temporary Band-Aid on your pain.
e) What are the gifts? For example, recognizing and acknowledging the victim when they show up can reveal to you an area where you could grow by taking up your responsibility in an empowering and compassionate way.
Invite a sense of curiosity and play, rather than frustration.
Explore how to support their needs and teach them how you want to be. Teach them some new moves. Encourage them to practice often. Watch them fumble and struggle along as they get more and more graceful in their dance morphing into this wise, calm, powerful, beautiful energy that radiates love and service moving you forward in the direction of your choosing that is aligned with your higher self.
It takes courage to continually show up on the dance floor and make the choice to hone your skills and course correct.
But since we are here and already on the dance floor, why not choose to put our best foot forward?
It may seem a daunting task at times but it’s so fulfilling to truly take up our responsibility in this way. Not as a burden; but as an honor. A privilege. A joy!
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